Maybe It’s OK (If I’m Not OK)

Trigger warning: Today’s blog discusses mental health issues and suicidal ideation (albeit without a plan to follow through). If you are struggling, please reach out for help. Resources are available at https://988lifeline.org . https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/mental-health-resources/ also has help available.

With apologies to We Are Messengers, I’m borrowing one of their lyrics for this week’s blog.

“Maybe It’s Ok” was released in 2019 on We Are Messengers’ debut album, Honest. Darren Mulligan, the band’s lead singer, has talked about the story behind the song, and especially about how the song was written from a place of understanding that not everything will be roses as we follow God.

In living with Cerebral Palsy, I rarely have open conversations about the sheer amount of times I’m “not okay”. It happens when I see myself at thirty four and still unmarried as my younger cousins get married and have kids. It happens as I realize my disability is getting worse with age. It happens as I question my calling as a writer when it seems I’m stuck on edits and setting up my platform.

I’ve cried about it more in the last month or so than I have in . . . I honestly don’t remember how long it’s been. And if I’m being honest, my disability, limited income and other factors make me wary of seeking help.

I get frustrated when it hits me that I’ve lost mobility. I get frustrated when I hit roadblocks on what I believe is a piece of my calling. And then sometimes, I wonder why I’m even still here. Though I know this doesn’t work for everyone, I have been able to talk myself out of wanting to metaphorically jump off that ledge and end my life.

It’s taken me forever to get to a point that I can actually admit that I’m very much not okay. And it doesn’t help that this hit like a tidal wave in the middle of a planned vacation to one of my favorite places, so that we could celebrate my parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary. I’m writing most of this in the car as they get food for us to take back to our hotel tonight

When you’re already struggling with a disability, It’s difficult to admit that you’re not okay. Society seems to put a priority on telling disabled people that we are “strong” just because we live our lives with a disability.

And still, I wonder how we change that conversation. I wonder how we allow ourselves to open up, and admit that we’re not all strong. I guess the first step is to admit it, period. Trusting God with the rest is a tall order right now. But for me, it’s the one thing I know I can lean on.

So maybe it’s all right if I’m… not… right now. God still holds my life, and He has a plan. He’s given me so much. He’ll see me through this, too.

Let’s talk: What do you do to bring yourself joy when you’re “not okay?”

If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening.